It was finally evening. I sat watching the clock, counting the minutes, waiting for dinner to pass so I could FINALLY put him to bed. My physical body exhausted from not only chasing him around, but from spending every moment poised on high alert like some crazed hunting dog anticipating the next bird, constantly watching, and following, and waiting for the next moment to stop him from climbing the bookshelf… The back of the couch… Or the baby gates… You know, the ones that are supposed to STOP him from finding danger. *Sigh…* Mentally exhausted now; him with his constant needs to be met, and zero ability to sit still in contentment, and me, forced to hold a baby that refuses to be reasonable. These are the moments no momma wants to talk about.
It was more than just a moment though, it was an entire day that trudged along as I thought of all the things I wish I could be doing. Driving along, the sun in my eyes, dreaming of a day where I could lay in the sun and waste away the afternoon. Wandering the backyard and noticing the garden that begs for eager hands dive in, to prepare them for the next growing season. Hobbies that have been left untouched for months… Unread books piling up… My discontent starting to weigh heavy.
Some days you just don’t want to. You don’t want to parent. You don’t want to be burdened by all the responsibilities. You just don’t want any of it. Today, if only for just a moment, I wanted to not be mom.
There, I said it.
Every momma has these days. Each and every one of us. Next time you find yourself yearning for the freedom days of your youth, know that you’re not alone! We all have these struggles, we all feel like the worst mother through it, and know that we ALL deal with that momma guilt! (If you haven’t, well, you’re either lying to yourself, or living in a life of magic and unicorns–can I join you? lol)
Feeling this way doesn’t mean I love my kids any less, and it certainly doesn’t mean I have any regrets about being a momma–it just means I’m tired and missing my old life. Missing the days where I could do what I wanted, whenever I wanted, without a single thought about how it might affect another being. I miss the stage where childless meant freedom for days!
But then… As my babe readies himself for bed, resting his head upon my chest, fingers wrapped around my thumb–my breath slowing as he melts into mine–I fall back into bliss. I breathe in his sweet baby scent, and am reminded of the blessings of motherhood. Lucky to be mom, grateful for my babies. This is where I hope to start my tomorrow ❤️
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